Day 331: Against Shopping

Have you done your Christmas shopping yet?

Christmas is a wonderful time of year and I certainly enjoy visiting with family and friends (and the extra time off work), but if I was asked to design this holiday from scratch, I would not keep it the way it is. Christmas has fundamental flaws.

I would dispense with the giving and receiving of Christmas presents amongst consenting adults. Has anyone ever enjoyed receiving their Christmas presents more than the pain they endured buying the ones they gave away? I strongly doubt it. Of course, children are exempted from the moratorium on presents, because I am not cruel.

Personally, each year when December reaches the 20 day mark, I start to think about Christmas shopping and I feel a chill down my spine, as I imagine:
- crowds
- panicky parking experiences
- confusion when you don't know what to buy or where to look
- prolonged painful interactions with sales staff
- all the time wasted

The Christmas shopping experience is a bewildering and frustrating ordeal that I dread every year. Let us end this sinister tradition once and for all - we have the power. It is not worth it.

Day 330: The Dying Of The Light

This is the Christmas season, and is therefore a time for Christmas parties. Endless Christmas parties. Although I no longer go to my work Christmas party, I do enjoy the odd non-work Christmas party with friends and family.

Although I am a mostly non-social creature, this isn't entirely by design - and I enjoy human company at social gatherings as much as the next introvert. But I am famously shy, and still spend most parties safe on the couch, talking to people I already know. "Look - a stranger - run away!" - that's always been my motto (sigh).

But lately I've found that parties are winding up earlier and earlier. The madcap days of youthful extravagance seem to be ending as we all age gracefully. I even find myself thinking about knocking out early so that I am not tired in the morning - which is sheer heresy. And somehow I find myself simply noting boorish extremely drunk people - and not joining their ranks whole-hog like I should.

But such is the way of things, and you shall grow old one day too. I'm not sure when it happened to me exactly, but I am now officially an old codger, and can act ornery and cranky at all times about all manner of new things with total impunity. Youth be damned!

Hey - I may yet enjoy this new phase of life yet.

Day 329: Trouble In The Message Centre

Here at work sweet work, we are furiously trying to get stuff done in advance of Christmas so that we can have a nice long extended holiday. So to save time for our testers on Monday/Tuesday, we decided to come in on the weekend to get as much done as early as we can, so that unplanned obstacles don't lead to Christmas being postponed. A simple plan.

Unfortunately the IT staff decided on this weekend for all strange manner of system backups - so half of the network seems to be unavailable! I think I've managed to reroute everything so that things work anyway - but this was a hassle. But this really flumoxxed me last night. In order to avoid coming in during the day today, I tried to come in last night for a couple hours, after a exciting drunken poker game finally ended at 4AM (I somehow could not even take money from drunkards who play every pot - I really suck!) - but the system was completely shut down for backups and I was wasting my time. That will teach me to ever do anything that silly again.

Anyways, we perform what are known as "builds" of our software on a nightly basis. My job is to maintain the tools that kick off builds, integrate various components, and debug problems when things blow up. But what's a build you ask? Well imagine that all the source code that developers write gets compiled into something executable and testable - that's a build. It takes a 12-15 hours to run and it's mostly automated - but such technical details do not concern you, gentle reader. Anyways - we get a handy SMS message on our phones each day telling us how the build went. This is useful for me in the morning because I can know whether I'm urgently needed to fix a crisis, or whether I can leisurely saunter in late because all is well. But lately something has gone wrong in the message centre, and we are receiving the same pointless message from Friday's night's build every 30 minutes. This wasn't my fault I must note - the problem seems to originate on the system somewhere - but this is hightly annoying. I had 31 new messages when I woke up this morning (after but a brief sleep).

BEEP BEEP!! BEEP BEEP!!

Shut up already you infernal machine! My, how I hate cell phones.

Day 328: The Hazards of Reconciliation

As most of my friends are, how shall I put this, "developmentally challenged" when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships, I am often asked for advice on some of the trickier aspects thereof. As I tire of repeating my lessons over and over again, I felt it wise to codify some of the important points into a series of educational blog entries. This first entry is on the hazards of reconciliation.

Caution: Please don't assume I'm talking about my life here. I hate it when people do that. Of course some things apply - but these reflections are mostly about other people. Remember that when you assume, you don't always get it right.

"The Hazards of Reconciliation"

People get together and break up all the time for a number of infinite reasons - such is the way of the world. But people once broken up do not always stay broken up - and this generally happens for the same reason: the factors that precipitated the attraction in the first place have probably not changed, but time apart has made the people involved lonelier and needier. This presents the danger of the false reconciliation.

For people often fall into error when they prematurely conclude that they "are over someone". While it is good not to spend to an inordinate amount of time focussing about someone from your past, it is also not so good to pretend to be over someone when the truth is that all you've managed to do is forget about them because you don't see them very often. Forgetting and overcoming are not the same thing.

The danger is that if all you've done is forget about someone, if you happen to spend time with them again, you run the risk of falling for them in exactly the same way as you did initially for exactly the same reasons. And when this leads to exactly the same problems, you're liable to feel exactly as stupid as you did before.

Although time is important, it is not the only thing you need in moving on. You also need to engage in personal growth so that you are not the same person you were when you made your initial decisions. If you're a new (and better) person, then you aren't liable to repeat choices that you have realistically concluded were bad choices.

So beware of your exes. If you have not achieved sufficient personal growth, they can present a ever-looming danger. Be sure that you're over them for the right reasons, and not for superficial pretend reasons.

Day 327: My Growing OCD Tendencies

I've always veered much closer to insane than sane, thank you very much - but one thing that I have never had much problem with is OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). That is until now. My new cause celebre is to check and recheck my doorlock every time I leave the apartment (if you ever come by to pick me up, you may even catch me doing this). When I leave, I check that my door is locked, then walk away, then think "Did I actually check it - or am I remembering checking it from another day?" - so I go back and check it again: it's always locked. This is a nasty combination: OCD + absent-mindedness = insanity.

I recently went to see the new Harry Potter (it's the best one yet) at SilverCity - and for much of the movie had this overpowering feeling that I had left my door open and that Chance and Slippers were roaming the neighbourhood hunting for wild moths. It was not the case - the door was safely shut.

And today I again felt like I had left the door open, but I "know" that I didn't. I almost drove back home to check but forced myself not to - as that would be admitting my insanity.

The sad truth is that this all started last summer when one day I did fail to shut the door properly. My apartment lock is a little fidgety, and sometimes the locking "doesn't take" - so it is actually necessary to confirm that it's locked by trying to open it. The door was "mostly closed" and this somehow proved sufficent to keep Chance and Slippers inside: these two are definitely not related to Snowy, a master of escapology. She would have detected the breach in security, clawed the door open, and would have been dining on bird innards within 20 minutes.

So I'm going to have to deal with my growing OCD tendencies. If I can keep reminding myself that they're just "the crazy" talking, then I should be able to muddle through and live a productive life of quiet desperation.

Day 326: It's My Life

I recently read a post by a former co-worker about her company's latest downsizing, and it saddened me considerably - because I couldn't help but be struck by the parallels to my sorry lot. The work-life of half-days writing blogs and surfing the web that she is not looking forward to sounds much like the worklife I am living. But I've been feeling OK recently and have even been enjoying what work I do. Have I just become numb to the reality of my surroundings so that it doesn't bother me anymore?

I realize that I have done exactly that. If you put a man in a steel box for two weeks and then eventually open a window, he's going to think that it's great that you opened the window. But really, it still sucks to be in that steel box. That is what's happened here - you eventually adjust your assessment of reality to reflect the current situation and what is actually bizarre and unhealthy can come to seem quite normal.

Lately I've been straggling in to work at 9:30 and leaving not much after 4pm - and even while I'm here I have had lots of times for pointless diversions. But no one seems to mind as they aren't particularly motivated either. The sad thing is that I'm definitely still getting my job done and no one complains about my work quality - heck, sometimes I even feel like I'm doing more than anyone else.

But it probably would be better to care about a job again, and to see a future in it. But we'll cross that bridge after my upcoming summer layoff, for my work here ends on April 1st, and I plan to not work for the entire summer of 2006. How will I spend the April-September period? Easy - I plan to golf every day and take absolutely no flack from anyone about being a worthless layabout. But I do plan to work again in the fall of 2006, so if I'm still laying about then, you are welcome to give me flack.

But it's my life, don't you forget it - and I will live it how I see fit. If you don't like it, then I suppose that this cat's life is not for you.

Day 325: Strength of Schedule Follies

The NFL does a lot of things right, but one thing that it does not do right is computing the "Strength of Schedule" statistic, which can be seen here.

If you look at the strength of schedule, you'll say "Aaahh - Seattle is in 1st place in the NFC, but they had the easiest schedule in the conference - perhaps they are a paper tiger." At first and perhaps second glance, this may appear so: but a comparison of Indianapolis and Houston demonstrates the folly of believing statistics without understanding them.

In the AFC, Indianapolis had the easiest schedule - their opponents have a record of .408. Conversely, Houston had the hardest schedule - their opponents have a record of .574. No wonder Indy is 13-0 and Houston is 1-12!

But look closer. Aren't Indy and Houston in the same division (AFC South)? Yes they are - and a look at the schedule reveals this:
12 games are common between the two teams:
(Ten*2, Jac*2, Pit, Cin, Sea, Cle, StL, Balt, Ari, SF)
2 games are against each other.
2 games are different - and Indy had the harder games!
(Indy vs NE, Hou vs Buff); (Indy vs SD, Hou vs KC).

So the schedules are actually quite similar - except that Indy got to play Houston and Houston had to play Indy. You can't really remove this effect - but there is something else we can do to improve the stat. Because the teams that Indy played have poor records because Indy always beat them, these games should not be considered in determining the strength of schedule. By including only "other games", we get a better feel for the true strength of the opponents and this makes for a better result. If this is done, Indy's strength of schedule goes up, while Houston's goes down - which makes perfect sense.

In conclusion: Seattle hasn't had as easy a schedule as it appears. This team is for real and is going to the Super Bowl.

Go Seahawks!

Day 324: The Game Of The Year

I discussed in a previous post how I did not object to the NHL's new unbalanced schedule. Oops. I will admit now that I was very wrong about that, because after two months of a constant Minnesota/Colorado diet, it is great to have a look at the Eastern Conference.

Tonight is the marquee match of the season - a tilt against the high-flying Ottawa Senators, easily the best team in the NHL. Can the Canucks continue their high-flying ways at home? Will Bertuzzi wake up and remember he's Todd Bertuzzi and not Chris Gratton? Can anyone stop Heatley and Spezza? Will Hasek realize that he's 40 years old and let in a soft goal by Ruutu?

Time will tell. But do enjoy this game, as there's not many regular season games this exciting, and I can already visualize the upcoming Sens/Canucks Stanley Cup Final.

Day 323: Concert Recap: Snowy P. Cat

Snowy welcomes the crowd to Beans.

Through some sort of freak scheduling mishap - possibly fuelled by excess consumption of rum-laced eggnog, Melanie Dekker and her diminutive sidekick Roggles decided to book a solo performance by myself at a crowded North Vancouver coffee shop last night: December 7, 2005 - a date which will live in infamy. This was my first time performing in front of strangers in a public place - so I was terrifed. The fear was justified.

The show was scheduled for 8PM sharp, and I duly arrived with Gilman and P.W. at 7:45 (after a small delay while we waited for Gilman to consume his pork chops). I don't know exactly what I had anticipated but I was quite appalled to see that the coffee shop had customers in it - including several small children. Eventually Melanie showed up with guitar - as she would relieve me once I completed my 30 minute set. Roggles and Bumbly Bee also arrived and encouraged me on with promises of whiskey at the conclusion.



My delaying tactics were successful for a time, but eventually Melanie insisted that I had to start playing. This brought me to the second hurdle I had not properly anticipated: the crowd was not specifically there to see me and would have been just as happy (if not more so) if I didn't play. This should have been forseen, but I had somehow expected to have the crowd's attention as I told stories about the songs and my complicated life as a budding singer-songwriter. But this was not the case! I was the background noise - and I had to get used to that.

I have not played the guitar very much in the last couple of years, but had crammed furiously this last weekend to prepare for the show. These efforts were mostly successful as my guitar playing was no worse than expected - and certainly better than it had been just a couple days before. But my fingers told a sad tale. The calluses on my left hand had disappeared during my long months of atrophy - and it was surprisingly painful to play with soft sore fingertips. Considering this hardship, I feel I played decently.




The third hurdle to the performance which I had not anticipated regarded the volume of my vocals. I realized that I was singing too quietly to make myself heard over the guitar and the crowd noise, but I could not ramp it up! Many of my songs are melancholic and are sung in an understated sad voice - and I simply could not raise the volume. I tried and tried but is highly unlikely that anyone heard much of anything I said - I'm just not that strong a singer. This was distracting because I knew that they couldn't hear me (I could barely hear me) - but I couldn't do anything about it. Next time - I will have to use a microphone (which will undoubtedly cause new distractions).



But I did it. I asked the crowd how it had gone and I was told that it had been "far better than expected". Although this reflects more on the low expectations rather than some objective measure of quality, I am content. I did not have any horrific struggles where I froze, grimaced, or apologized. When I made a mistake I just kept buggering on. So I'm happy about that, and it cannot be said that I am afraid to take chances.

Set List (Dec. 7, 2005):
1. Dizzy Day
2. Ninja Please
3. Song For Sandra
4. Sunshower
5. Lost Time
6. Warmth of the Sun
7. Nothing More
8. Boy Without A Soul
9. Ninja Please (reprise)
10. Dizzy Day (reprise)

Day 322: The Coming Apocalypse

If you listen to sports radio talk shows at lunchtime (as I am occasionally found doing), you might be forgiven for thinking that the Vancouver Canucks are a mess: sporting a hopeless record and filled with underachieving malingerers. But this is transparently not the case. The Canucks are first in their division and second in the conference, despite indifferent goaltending and some obvious underachievers (Bertuzzi). No - we fans have short memories and have forgotten what a truly horrible team looks like - one bereft of all-star forwards (Naslund) and all-star defencemen (Ohlund/Jovanovski). But the chances are that we will soon get to experience what such a team is like.

The Canucks are becoming an old team. True - they're not that old yet - but they are not young any more. The team core is all between 29-32, with few young players (except Daniel/Henrik) obviously emerging to take their place. Try imagining the Canucks in 4 years and you'll see how short a window we now have. Look at the Moose roster and try saying "That guy is a surefire NHLer!". The only Canuck prospects I'm excited about are the defencemen Kirill Koltsov and Luc Bourdon - and Koltsov is hiding in Russia while Bourdon is still in junior.

But the Canucks are still an elite team - among the top 5 in the entire league - so let's win a cup this year or next year - because the team is not going to be any better in a few years time. The time is now.

Go Canucks Go!

Day 321: Sunshower

Note: These next four blog entries are some old songs that I wrote. Skip if you prefer to do that, I won't hold it against you. This is the last song that I am going to post and completes the full transcription of my back pages to this blog.

This track "Sunshower" was inspired after a drive through the Rocky Mountains. I imagined it as an interesting arpeggio type arrangement, but since I can't really play it that way, it just sounds staticky and repetitive instead. This was proposed as the title for my album.

Enjoy!


"Sunshower"

Let's drive to Mexico, it really isn't that far
You say OK, grab your toothbrush and head for the car
Driving along through the streets of our town
Under skies all heavy and grey
Then as we cross the last bridge and escape
Watch the sun poke its way through the haze
Sun showering, sun showering, sun showering, sun

Fingers of light flash and dance in the cool mountain air
Beaming through clouds as the suns spreads its rays everywhere
Feeling the heat and the warmth and the light
As the rain clouds recede in the west
Smiling you take off your coat and declare
That to see this, we truly are blessed
Sun showering, sun showering, sun showering, sun

Traveling at night while you sleep with your feet in the air
Music hums softly as I quietly sing in your hair
Watching the sky as it glows in the east
As the day cracks its way through the stars
And end to this cold life we thought we would lead
And we're free to just lounge and play cards
Sun showering, sun showering, sun showering, sun

Now I want to show you the beauty and stillness around
All that was complex is really quite simple I've found
Dreaming away as we watch while the clouds
Form into strange flowing shapes
Could they be messages showing the way on?
Why no! They're just monkeys and apes
Sun showering, sun showering, sun showering, sun

As we reach the beach, you are silent and you look to me
"Though it's not Mexico, Moose Jaw's quite pretty I see"
Grabbing your hand while I look in your eyes
And realize what is it I have
It doesn't matter what happens to me
I'll embrace it, no matter the path
Sun showering, sun showering, feeling its power, a sun shower
Sun showering, sun showering, hour on hour, a sun shower, sun.
---

Copyright: Croftonsongs, 2003

Day 320: Dream Logic

Dreams are a curious thing. I have recurring dreams where I'm doing things (like performing) but my friends are ignoring me, pretending not to notice me - as though they're afraid to mention that I'm not wearing pants. Anyways - this one is Dream Logic, one of the few songs that was written as a melody first and then had chords created for it (a boring set of C, F, G, Am, Em). This was given the lowest possible rating in the last complete evaluation of my song catalog by a friend.


"Dream Logic"

When I fish through my past, I get stuck on you
With your frightened eyes and your insecurity
You managed to make an impression on me
But somehow you've waltzed on through

When I slept you'd be hanging out in my head
Holding me tightly as we danced on the bed
Everything that you said was gentle and true
But it's only a dream, another dream of you

And sometimes we'd walk, talk, or maybe we'd kiss
Always soft and warm and more real than real
And you'd smile, how'd you smile, I coudl see to your soul
But I'd always wake up alone

When I slept you'd be hanging out in my head
Holding me tightly as we danced on the bed
Late at night I could see how much we could do
But it's only a dream, another dream of you

If I got out of bed and I saw you outside
You were nice, always nice, but I just didn't know
If you saw what I saw when I dreamed at night
Would you love me or just let me go?

When I slept you'd be hanging out in my head
Holding me tightly as we danced on the bed
Everything that you said was gentle and true
But it's only a dream, another dream of you

When I found out that I was deceiving myself
And a dream was all that you would be
I found that I lost even that for you see
That a dream without hope cannot be

When I slept you'd be hanging out in my head
Holding me tightly as we danced on the bed
Late at night I could see how much we could do
But it's only a dream, another dream of you


---

Copyright: Croftonsongs, 2003

Day 319: At Sea

This next one definitely dates from my "Let's write depressing songs" phase. If you don't like such songs, then I wouldn't waste your time with this one. Sorry - but you can't fight the muse. Anyways, this is "At Sea".

You would be correct in thinking that I took the title from the Echo and the Bunnymen song "Ocean Rain", but any other similarities are certainly non-existent. It has a typical assortment of A/D/G chords, with the odd Bm and F#m.


"At Sea"

The waves are rolling higher now
Higher than they've ever been
I can shut my eyes and pretend it's calm
But when I look, they're higher still

Save me from all this misery
Save me, save me
Save me from life and loneliness
Save me, save me

Cause life has got to me again
And I don't know where to turn
We're lost at sea, we've always been
All we do is stay afloat

A new day dawns and the morning fades
The same as all before
I can see your face but you're just a ghost
A memory is all you'll be

The ocean calls to both of us
Our craft is nearly at its end
And the rain is pelting down again
There's no escape and no defense

Save me from all this misery
Save me, save me
Save me from life and loneliness
Save me, save me

There is a way and I know it's there
But I can't see it now
Next time around I will take more care
To light the path back home

When the morning comes and the sea is calm
And there's nobody around
I grab my oar and I race away
Across the boundless sea

---

Copyright: Croftonsongs, 2003

Day 318: Song Four (When You Cry)

I have reluctantly decided to bite the bullet and post the rest of my back catalogue of songs on this website. I haven't written a new song in well over two years, so I figured that superstition must have dictated that until I take these out and bury them, I will be unable to move on to fresher things. We shall see.

As these next few are the last I thought fit to post, you would be correct in surmising that they are amongst my least favourites. Do not expect to be entertained. But they are all my children - and all have merit in my eyes.

This one is a highly personal one. It is a tricky one to play (despite its small number of chords) because it features some curious F chords (with the always tricky F-bar) at odd moments. The verses are C,G,F,Dm, while the bridge is Em,Am,D,G.


"Song Four (When You Cry)"

When you cry, don't cry, there'll be better times ahead
When all your pain and suffering will be safely put to bed
When you're sad, don't be sad, I can see a brighter day
When your river of tears and all of your fears will be simply washed away

Now I know, yes I know, how hard it's going to be
But please never forget that the safest bet is to run from all you see
If you try, so will I, and just think what we can do
So dry your eyes, open up to the skies, there's a world waiting for you

Every day it's getting colder
As every year goes by, we're getting older
But I have seen the future
And I know that there's a place for you and me

So when you cry, don't cry, there'll be better times ahead
When all your pain and suffering will be safely put to bed
When you're sad, don't be sad, I can see a brighter day
When your river of tears and all of your fears will be simply washed away

---

Copyright: Croftonsongs, 2003

Day 317: We Are All On Drugs

As someone who constantly snacks on chocolates and enjoys unhealthy pseudo-meals from places like KFC, it was becoming increasingly difficult to morally justify the no-fun diet I was inflicting on Chance and Slippers. So I caved a little on Saturday, and decided to give them a bit of fun with some Pounce treats. I went into the cupboard, grabbed the little tin, and threw some tasty tuna treats about the apartment. The cats enjoyed chasing after them, though Slippers certainly got more than Chance did. All was well.

I then sat down to watch some non-Canucks hockey, which was only marginally entertaining. Chance and Slippers disappeared for quite some time and I began to wonder where exactly they'd got to (as they usually come sit beside me). So I went into the kitchen and discovered that a situation had developed. Somehow I had neglected to shut the cupboard door after grabbing the Pounce, and the boys had found a bag of catnip. Someone (possibly Slippers) had pulled it out and then tore it apart on the kitchen floor. My boys were on drugs.


The evidence

High as a kite, they were playing with some Christmas mice on the carpet, wild looks in their eyes. They were having a most entertaining evening.


Chance stares at the carpet, enjoying the colours


Slippers listens to the music of the spheres

Their catnippy excitement eventually died down (a catnip high is not particularly long lasting), and they settled down for a long winter's nap.

Sleep tight Chance and Slippers!


Visions of catnip mice in their heads

Day 316: Moths Attack!

Things have been quiet lately for Chance and Slippers. Despite my best efforts to maintain their diet, they seem as "big-boned" as ever. Slippers is especially distraught by the food-intake-reduction efforts. When I come home from work they both whine furiously, so I fill up their bowl with some healthy Science Diet dry food. Enjoy boys! Slippers will stop whining for one second, take a look at the bowl, and then continue meowing as if to say "Dry food? That's not what I meant! I want the weeeetttt food!" Chance usually ignores the food and continues meowing until I sit down somewhere so that he can jump on my lap. I try to take a quick lie down in the afternoon - and they will both jump up beside me purring furiously. It would be very difficult to not adore these two.


Slippers enjoys a tummy rub

But it is not all resting and eating for Chance and Slippers. Eventually, their base hunter genes take over and they demand a kill. But failing the absence of suitable prey in the apartment, they want to watch the moths at the window outside. Chance gets especially excited at the sight of the moths and will generally attack the blinds and window.


The moth in the window

After a strenuous session of banging the window and chirping at the moths, Chance and Slippers lay themselves down and rest. It has been another good day at Montrose.


Chance, while resting, chirps at a moth

Day 315: It's a Small World After All

Whenever I realize that someone has read my blog, it always comes as a shock, as it is easy to assume that no one is out there (by contrast, friends who I assume have read a recent entry often have not). Yes - the brave new world of the internet is small, and googling is a powerful tool. There is truly no place to hide, as Morton Downey Jr. once famously remarked. Gilman recently wrote a random post about "Scary Movie 4" and the screenwriter himself commented on it. Bumbly Bee's prospective beaus enjoy reading old "Cat's Life" posts, thereby gaining a curiously distorted perspective. It is truly a small world.

In other news, I have now had a fourth consecutive negative month at my poker hobby. I'm surprised to discover that I'm not a very good card player - as I assumed I would be excellent. I guess I shouldn't quit the day job.

There's snow on the ground and in the hills - but this is terrible news for those who golf. There's no telling when we'll be able to hit the links again. I do hate winter and cannot wait for spring. Phooey to the snowboarders.

A new federal election is planned for late January and I'm not as enthused as I should be. But I'm sure I'll recover and post a series of long-winded opinions - so stay tuned for that.

I used to enjoy December as a child, as I really really loved Christmas. I know what you're saying: "Everyone loves Christmas" - but I can assure you that I liked it far more than you did. But this isn't the case anymore, and I now find the holiday season mildly depressing. Is there a way to shake off this creeping malaise? I think that the answer is some good old fashioned holiday drinking.

Anyone up for a rum and coke?